Getting To Know Your Children This Summer

Summer is the time that many of us remember why we love living in Maine. The weather is beautiful and there are all kinds of interesting things to do regardless of your interests. Its also the time that children are at home and don't have the time pressures and responsibilities that they carry during the school year.This gives us all a great opportunity to spend time with the children in our lives, to gain understanding of who they are, what they like to do, how they think about things, what their hopes and dreams are, what's fun for them and so forth.

A good, active relationship with a loving, respectful adult is the best protection that a child can carry as they move toward greater independence. Secure and open relationships with a loving adult lower the chances of a child getting involved in smoking, substance abuse, and other high risk behaviors. These relationships can provide a buffer against feelings of depression and hopelessness. They increase children's self-esteem and their sense of competence in the world. It does, however take time, some planning, a bit of negotiation, and a lot of mindfulness to make sure that your relationship is working for the child.

Some suggestions that might be helpful are:

Spend time with your child doing something that he or she enjoys. While you do this, make all of your comments positive. Be curious about what they are doing and show your appreciation. Examples might be, "That's really interesting. Tell me about it," or "that's great, what a lot of work you've put into this," or just "wow, that's wonderful."Your goals in this are first, to have fun with your child, but secondly to help your child see you as someone who appreciates them and is fun to be around.

Do things side by side with your child. The research is pretty clear that children are most likely to talk to you about things that are important to them when you are both facing in the same direction, not directly at one another and when there is something else to focus on rather than simply "having a talk." Things like doing dishes together, preparing a meal, riding in the car, and doing chores together offer opportunities to really get to know your child and for them to get to know you, too. Remember to keep it positive, be curious rather than critical, and show appreciation for who they are and what they are trying to become.

These kinds of informal and positive chats set the stage to be able to have more difficult conversations when they are necessary. Your child knows that you love and respect them. They will understand that what you are trying to talk with them about is not just "more nagging."

There is a myth that its quality not quantity. In reality, both are important and summer provides a great opportunity for strengthening these connections.

The Power of Being Seen

Every now and then, something catches our attention, captivates us, and carries us into to a different emotional understanding or experience. It seems that has happened with Susan Boyle, the 47 year old Scottish woman whose performance on Britain’s Got Talent shocked the judges, the audience, and ultimately the world. She was an unknown and unassuming appearing woman who sang with power and feeling that no one expected.

What is it that made this woman’s performance so touching to so many people? One factor is certainly the power of witnessing a person who appeared to be marginalized finally “being seen” and being valued. There is probably no loneliness in the world like that of being “looked through” ignored or misperceived. Believing or hoping that you have a gift that no one seems to want, or a beauty that no one else can see is profoundly sad. Having your worth and your talent acknowledged after decades of invisibility and derision is literally a dream come true, and one that strikes a chord in almost anyone.

Once it’s understood, there are practical, everyday applications of this insight that you can bring into your relationships with family and friends. Have you ever sung this little song to a toddler?


Where is [toddler’s name]?
Where is [toddler’s name]?
Here he/she is
Here he/she is
I’m so glad to see you!
I’m so glad to see you!
Peek-a-boo
I see you

Little ones love this song. They love that it is about them, and they particularly love the experience of being discovered, seen, and valued.

Older children, teenagers and adults aren’t that much different. You can make someone’s day by taking the time and effort to really look at them, to perceive or understand some unique quality, talent or capability that they possess and then to acknowledge it out loud.

Not many people get discovered and acknowledged on a world-wise basis, but all of us carry the power to give other people in our lives the gift of clearly seeing them. We can touch other people’s hearts and our own every day.

An Agency "Family Story:" The Titcomb House Transformation

If you were intrigued by my last blog on the importance and richness of family stories, you might want to think about trying your hand at digital storytelling. Most computers come with basic movie making software. It is not hard to use, and even first time projects are a lot of fun.

You'll soon see that digital story telling takes the experience to a whole different level. You can add photos, narration, subtitles, music*, and video. I like movies because they speak both from and to the heart. For example, here you see a couple of pages of construction photos out of a photo album. They are a part of the agency's history, but truly not very compelling. For anyone to understand or appreciate what happened 17 years ago, somehow we have to tell the story. There are all sorts of media possibilities, but for this story Digital Story Telling is the choice.

* Remember that you should only use material that is not protected by copyright or for which you have permission. It is fun to make your own music or to look online for affordable or free stock music. You can even ask for permission which is what we did for this movie.

If you click on the movie below, you will see a short, 3 minute story that expresses the generosity, collaboration, sacrifice, and determination that came together to make this transformation possible. It uses the photos from the album above, but tells a much better story.

Family Stories

Have you ever thought about the power of your family stories? Can you remember how they shaped your thoughts and feelings about yourself as a child? Every family has its stories. They end up becoming a big part of how we understand ourselves in the world. We use them to make sense out of confusion and to ground ourselves in our values and in our love and trust for one another. Stories help us grasp how our experiences fit into our world. They can convey and keep us mindful of many qualities such as love, heroism, sacrifice, humility, or safety. They provide a context and grounding for family values and strengths. They let people know that we see and value them.

Assembling and telling a story is a great way to help a child, or anyone else for that matter, understand, remember, and place in context his or her heritage and experiences.

Fortunately for us, telling a meaningful story is not difficult. Here are a few practical ideas:
*Keep it simple! One idea or concept is enough for a story
*Think short. If you try to write a novel, you might not write anything
*It doesn’t have to be dramatic
*It doesn’t even have to be written
*It can be a series of pictures with captions, or a paragraph here and there
*A funny song, or poem written for the child about a particular event is something they can keep with pride
*Take turns on the drive home making the day’s activity into a story. Have fun with it
*Alternatively, use times in the car or in other situations where things are quiet to tell a story about one of your parents, grandparents or friends
*A scrap book page done for a child after a fun day at the beach keeps the memory alive
*A series of simple drawings and a few captions on a page after a hard day can reflect a return to comfort and a good ending for a child
*A story with pictures, hand drawn, cut out, or photographs, about a happy experience with a loved one who is gone keeps good memories in the forefront
*A page with a picture of a grandparent and a short story about their love, helpfulness, strength, courage, skill, or sacrifice is wonderfully grounding
*A cook book page with the recipe for one of the child’s favorite foods and pictures of the child helping or of the finished product makes helping fun
* A short, 3 minute “Movie Maker” movie that includes a favorite song, pictures of a fun activity, and some captions or narration is a great option. This simple movie making software comes in the operating system package on many computers
* Your story can be messy
*It can be imperfect

If your story conveys your love, caring, acknowledgment or respect, the recipient of any age will appreciate and value it as well as carrying into their future its message of grounding and certainty of place in the world
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Have You Thought About Everyday Heroes?

When we think about heroism, we almost always think of some courageous person saving others through dramatic, physically dangerous acts. Heroes are celebrated with parades and medals, speeches and awards. They are someone other than us.
It is very true that these celebrated individuals are heroes and deserving of our recognition, admiration, and respect. It is also true that limiting our definition in this way narrows our ability to see and appreciate other heroic people. Worse yet it can cloud our vision for the fact that heroism can be a part of everyone’s life and that it is our option, even our responsibility to become “hero ready.” By that I mean ready to take a stand, to affirm another person’s value and dignity, or to uphold a value even if it means paying a cost. The world needs everyday heroes to stand in opposition to cruelty and dehumanization, to question the legitimacy of and sometimes to defy mistaken or wrong thinking authority, to work toward life affirming goals, and to think about and take responsibility for the outcome of their actions.
Charles A. Smith, Ph.D. from Kansas State University developed a program designed to celebrate everyday heroes. The program teaches children the characteristics of heroism and helps them recognize the potential for heroism within themselves.
Smith lists five conditions for heroism. They are:
Real heroes realize the risk or sacrifice they are taking.
They value all life without reservation
They manage fear
They make smart decisions
They commit themselves fully to a noble goal.
The program encourages participants to look around, identify, label, and celebrate the everyday heroes in their lives. They are then asked to apply the same standards to themselves identifying their own heroic behavior. What they find out is that heroic behavior often begins by just not running away in fear or pain.
Most people do not intentionally put themselves in situations where they are called upon to be heroic. Nevertheless, it is not uncommon in the course of a lifetime for a person to be faced with a situation that calls for heroism. These opportunities come and go without fanfare or warning and the choices made are both powerful and irrevocable.

Things Change - It's Our Job to Go On

When we stop and think about it, we know that life means constant change. It happens all of the time and there is nothing we can do to prevent it. People we know and love grow old and frail. At some point they come to the end of their lives. Our children grow up and make more and more independent decisions about how they will live their lives. Change happens in our jobs, with our friends, in our communities. It happens everywhere.

There are changes that give us joy. Welcoming new babies, getting settled in a good job, and finding a secure relationship are all things that might leave us feeling happy. When change brings loss, though, we can end up suffering, even arguing with ourselves or others that the situation couldn't or shouldn't be what it is. More often than not, we turn our entire focus to trying to make the pain go away.

Our whole culture admires a person who can "take control." The unfortunate thing is that in many cases, this just doesn't work. Then, to compound our sense of failure and our pain we are left with blaming ourselves or someone else for things not going well. It becomes a spiral of pain and unhappiness that is hard to leave behind.

There are a few simple things you can try that might help.

• Ask yourself if you have this problem, or if it has you. Can you separate it from the rest of your experience?
• Remind yourself that change, including loss, is a normal part of life and is most manageable when it is accepted
• Practice seeing the problem as being only one part of your life
• Think about what other things are important to you, what you want your focus and purpose to be
• Commit to taking at least one step, however small, that will bring you closer to your purpose

There are times in all of our lives where we feel overwhelmed by change and loss. What we always have, though, somewhere inside of us are our hopes and aspirations for our lives. There is no better time to remind ourselves of what we want to be and to make sure we're moving, however slowly, in that direction.

What If Your Holidays Aren't What You Want?

So often people end up feeling that the Holidays are not what they wish they were. We wish for the return of past traditions, for better relationships with family and friends, or that we could somehow spend the holiday differently. It is easy to look at all of the idealized images in stores, books, magazines, and on television and to think our lives should be more like what we see there.

We all know that we can't go back, that we only control our side of relationships, and that we can't be everywhere at once. We also know that the media view of the holidays just isn't real. No one's house really looks like that, and certainly no one's friends and family ever really behave that way. Nevertheless, we can end up feeling let down or disappointed.

One of the best ways that any of us can get out of this rut is to start practicing Mindfulness, which means staying focused on what we are experiencing in the moment rather than what might be or what should be. Anyone can take a few moments out of their day to try some of these things. You don't have to be particularly wise, lucky, happy, or anything else. All you have to do is stop and try.

Here are some examples:

You're trying to get your decorations up and know you don't have time to get it the way you want it. You are starting to feel cranky and you snap at one of the kids. Then you feel bad because, after all, it is the Holidays.

• What about stopping, taking a deep breath, and saying to yourself, "If it's not worth enjoying, it's probably not worth doing. This should be fun." Then ask the children what decorations they like the most and would like to help you with. Answer the question for yourself as well. Then while you're working with your children on everyone's favorites, think about the fun you all are having in the moment and know that in reality, this is what's most important.

You've realized that you are not going to be able to spend the holiday where you would most like to be. You decide you hate the season and wish it were over.

• You can remind yourself that no matter what you do, if you think about paying attention to the present, you can find pleasure in various moments during the day. Where will you be? What about those people or that place do you enjoy or appreciate? Can you add some things to your day that will increase your enjoyment? Can you give yourself cues to stop and enjoy the moment a few times during the day?

There is no rule saying that you can't spend your holidays wishing for something that either doesn't exist or is out of reach for you at the moment. Just know that if you want to try something different, you can always just stop, take a breath and ask yourself "What's happening right now in this moment?"

Peace of the season to you all.